...a new survey shows that children in Britain are deeply unhappy. A third of young people say they do not feel happy with life - up two percentage points from last year. One in 20 secondary school pupils admits to being drunk "three or more times" in the past month.
And the Govt spokesman announced confidence in the measures to combat all this: information about healthy foods, "happiness" lessons in schools, and compulsory personal, social, health and ecooimic education.
You couldn't make it up, could you?